Learning How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Setting boundaries is an important part of establishing our identity, as well as being essential for our mental health and well-being. There are different types of boundaries, from physical boundaries to emotional boundaries, and there are also different levels of boundaries, from loose to rigid, with healthy boundaries falling somewhere in between.
With being a student, working full time, and being an entrepreneur, I’m finally beginning to understand that boundaries are about the relationship with MYSELF and my own values, and that they shouldn't be so fluid. When attempting to set healthy boundaries, there’s a few things to think about.
NO Boundaries = little self esteem: This used to describe me. The first step to change is admitting this. (What's the point of saying we want to grow if we're not going to be honest with ourselves about where we are now?) I say this because many of us probably don’t know what your boundaries are. They should roll off your tongue like the alphabet. Your boundaries are your values. Boundaries are representative of how much or little you respect yourself.
Decide what your core values are: Figure out what, exactly, you're comfortable with and what you aren't. For example, I don’t giving my number out to just anyone, so I make it a point to communicate that I won’t be giving my phone number out. In my relationship, I value and expect monogamy, quality time each week, and 100% honesty at all times. Once you get clear on what matters most to you, then you can take bigger step of communicating this to others.
You can’t change others, so change yourself: We want everyone to change right? That’s just part of the human experience. We cannot change others. We are not responsible for what comes out of their mouth, the daily choices they make or their reactions, etc. Bottom line; Since you can't change other people, change how you deal with them.
Decide the consequences ahead of time: So what do we do if anyone pushes our buttons/boundaries (because it will happen)? Decide what the consequences are. The best way to figure out your own boundaries and consequences when people cross them is sitting quietly down with yourself and making this all about you. (Remember: boundaries are about honoring your needs, not about judging other people's choices.)
Let your behaviors (not words), speak for you: You present your boundaries clearly to people and then let your behavior do the talking. People WILL test, push and disrespect your limits. You'll know you're getting healthier when this doesn't get an emotional reaction out of you. When your boundaries are your core beliefs, you will not get riled up if you are tested.
Say what you mean and mean what you say: The biggest part of boundaries is HOW clearly you communicate them. You can have the most healthy set of boundaries on the planet but if you do not communicate them clearly, you are going to create some really confusing relationships, both for you and everyone else involved. The more you ground yourself with your boundaries and values, the more you'll be able to be very clear in your communication!
***Remember, setting boundaries doesn’t make you selfish, but makes you truly aware of yourself and well-being.